Ryan and I went out without Lucy on Tuesday night. We went to our favorite restaurant in the Springs. I wore a fancy handmade dress. We ordered drinks and a goat cheese bruschetta to share. And then we fought.
We fought over little things and over big worries. I tried to pretend I was having fun, but I kept on thinking about Lucy and how badly I needed a cup of hot tea and a nap.
“I think you love the baby more than you love me,” I confessed halfway through my salad. Ryan put his sandwich down, reached his hand across the table, and told me, “I love you more than anything in the world.” And then we kept on fighting.
We walked around a quiet neighborhood and we wondered if we had made the right decision moving back to Colorado. We missed our friends in Austin, and we realized how unsettled we felt without the little creature who had been occupying our every day and night for the past two months. Eventually, Ryan took me in his arms and in that moment, with the mountains behind us, I realized that everything was okay. We are still very much in love.
But having a baby has meant that we bottle a lot more of our emotions while at home. Even though she can’t understand our words, we don’t want her to perceive stress or anger. And so I think that on our nights without her, instead of romance….frustration bubbles to the surface. And we realized on Tuesday night that this needed to change.
Because while we’re learning how to be parents we also need to learn how to be partners again. Lucy will need to see us fight. She’ll need to see us upset. Because most importantly, she needs to see us deal with our emotions positively. She needs to learn to fight well. She needs to learn to cope with stress. And hopefully, if we can manage conflict at home, we can have much more romantic evenings in the months to come.
Because our dinner on Tuesday was stressful, I wanted to make something extra delicious for dinner on Wednesday night. This BBQ pulled chicken and apple coleslaw was just what I hoped it would be. Healthy, easy, and quick to put together. Instead of a traditional mayo-laden coleslaw, I made a light and tangy apple cabbage salad. Slightly sweet with a bit of acid and heat, this coleslaw tastes much more sophisticated than what you normally scoop up at a picnic. The BBQ sauce for the chicken came together quickly with ingredients I had on hand. After baking in the oven for an hour, the chicken was fork tender and the sauce was brown and bubbly. Ryan and I had a hard time just eating one sandwich. This will be making the monthly rotation. No doubt.
BBQ Pulled Chicken
1 1/2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts
6 TBSP brown sugar, divided
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon roasted garlic salt
1 teaspoon kosher salt, divided
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup ketchup
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
3 TBSP yellow mustard
2 TBSP apple cider vinegar
1 white onion, sliced thin
Apple Slaw
One bag coleslaw mix
One granny smith apple, finely grated or shredded
1 garlic clove, finely minced
2 TBSP red wine vinegar
2 heaping TBSP dijon mustard
1/4 cup olive oil
Salt and Pepper to taste
Chicken: In a small bowl, combine 2 TBSP brown sugar, smoked paprika, garlic salt, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper. Rub spice mix over chicken breasts. In a small pot, combine 4 TBSP brown sugar, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, mustard and apple cider vinegar. Heat on medium-low and stir for five minutes, or until warm. Place chicken in an 8 x 8 baking pan. Place sliced onions on top of chicken breasts and cover with sauce. Tightly cover pan with aluminum foil and bake in 325 degree Fahrenheit oven for one hour, or until chicken is no longer pink. Remove chicken from oven and either shred with two forks or shred in kitchen aid mixer (this is amazingly simple).
Coleslaw:
Combine coleslaw mix and shredded apple in a large bowl. In a small bowl, whisk together vinegar and mustard. Stir in garlic. Slowly drizzle in olive oil, whisking all the while. Pour dressing over coleslaw and stir to combine. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
*Hugs* Monet. Just reading about the challenges of motherhood when it meets other parts of your life has taught me so much. I imagine I would feel the same about showing anger and stress to our future kids – and you’re absolutely right. We learn so much from our parents, and that includes learning how to cope with these stresses. Lucy is so lucky to have you and Ryan guiding her through life 🙂
I’m sorry your dinner was so stressful! But at least you learned from it : ) I am huge fan of pulled BBQ chicken and that apple slaw is going to have to happen soon at our house – I love that there’s no mayo.
I’m not looking forward to that rough adjustment period of finding our feet as parents AND partners. It’s amazing to hear someone talk so openly about a difficult subject!
I can’t even imagine the emotions that you must both be going through while adjusting to life with a newborn. Not to mention what lack of sleep can do to you your ability to think clearly! Change is hard, no matter if it’s good or bad. I think that fighting about things (depending on how it’s done) is very healthy and very normal. It’s great that you two are able to really talk and communicate and not hold those things in. And underneath it all, your solid foundation of true love sounds like it will get you through it all. I’m sure that things will get easier as Lucy begins to become more independent and most importantly, it sounds like she’ll learn how to love from you two more than anything 🙂
…and your bbq pulled chicken sounds so good! I know my hubby would love this.
Slaw is absolutely the best combination with pulled bbq anything! These sandwiches sound amazing. I think you guys will be just fine–not the least because you’re obviously actually realizing and discussing and dealing with issues together. That’s definitely one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship. 🙂
oooh Monet! What a lovely recipe- and easy to put on a gluten-free bun! I’m going to have to put this into our rotation! We need fast easy meals right now!
Transitioning from adult-hood to parent-hood and family-hood is one of life’s greatest challenges. You are meeting it with grace and dignity.
We all have experienced what you are experiencing- and it’s not like you ever really get it figured out- because about the time you think you have it figured out, #2 comes along, or your child/children reach a new age plateau- and the rules change all over again. But the fact that you have each other and can be honest with each other is wonderful. And you’re right- kids only learn to fight healthy if their parents do. They really do hold the dysfunctional mirror to our faces- and if we’re honest with ourselves and willing to grow- it’s good for everyone. My children are my greatest teachers.
Sending you love and centered thoughts!
Sorry to hear you’re going trought an stressful moment, but don’t worry, things will turn out fine in the end!
This pulled chiken looks delicious, and the slaw looks even better, I love that there’s no mayo in it! And definitely apple is a fantastic addition! I must make this for dinner anytime soon! 🙂
Monet, only in Hollywood the major milestones in life are all smooth, beautiful, bright, and trouble-free.
I never had kids, but all my friends had, as well as my two sisters – I’ve witnessed as a listener a lot of struggles and ups and downs and know that adjustments are necessary, and they do take time. There will be plenty of other dinners in which “you should be happy” but you won’t. Plenty of other picture-perfect Thanksgiving meals, and trips, and date-nights, that will not be so picture-perfect.
I think it’s important to remember nothing is final, things change, people adapt, and you should just “Keep calm and Carry on” 😉 (My favorite quote in the universe!)
You’re a strong, intelligent woman. I’m living away from my friends and family with my husband and we move quite a lot, so I don’t have people with children aroung. I don’t share experiences with them. You make me see real things, like fighting and all the emotiones in a partner relationship when a child appears in your life. That’s great, thank you for this. It will make everything so much easier 🙂
I remember feeling the same the first few months. We fought over stupid things because we were so tired. It’s normal I think, you’re both under new stresses and probably not sleeping well. I didn’t get the hang I things until my daughter started sleeping through the night. Life was so much better web everyone was sleeping!
I grew up in a house where my parents fought I vividly remember going to them in tears thinking out family was falling apart. they assured me that the fighting meant the still loved each other. that they disagreed, but they’re love for each other meant fighting and working it through. it was when the house was quiet that I should worry.
Thanks for sharing this. My son is 6 months old & the exact same thing happened when my husband & I went out together for our first baby free date (the situation not helped by us watching a movie about a marriage in trouble post baby!). What was helpful was that it led the way to us having a really good conversation about how we could do things better as a couple & how we can connect during all the business of a baby.
I’m sorry your night out wasn’t better but I’m glad it ended better than it started. I think a lot of the tension and the upsets come from the fatigue that always sets in with the birth of a new baby. The bread roll with the chicken and salad looks like a great and satisfying lunch xx
Hang in there, things will get better. This sandwich does make everything look much much better I am sure!
I think every parent has a strong inclination to protect their children in any way they can and so it’s understandable that you would want to hide your fighting from Lucy…but it’s probably better for her in the long run when she sees you two fight but also that even while fighting, you still love each other!!
Ohhhh, Monet, I SO know where you’re coming from on this post. I never say this to my pregnant friends, because I don’t want to be *that* person, but the truth is– having a baby is really hard on a marriage!! I think it would be unusual NOT to fight, especially in those first sleep-deprived months. Ryan and I fight much, much more now that we have Lila– that’s just a fact. Of course, the flip side is that it can also strengthen a marriage like nothing else– seeing how sweet he is with her, and what a good dad he is, has made me reach a whole new level of love and appreciation for him. I guess at the end of the day, the smart couples are the ones who realize that even when there is fighting (and tension and no sleep and screaming babies!), above all that, there still is love.
Keep your chin up! Great looking bbq!
awww you guys are so cute… just hug it out 🙂
I always say that the hardest thing about having a child is that he/she will find and press exactly on that button you have and you’ve been so creative in avoiding. Same thing for marriage, the kid will find the ONE tiny little weak spot and press just on that. But the good part is that both you personally and as married couple will emerge stronger if you accept the challenge. OH and don’t forget about ‘date night in’ you can put on your fancy dress and cook/order in something yummy, candles etc… and you got yourself a date without leaving the house.
Your pulled chicken is calling my name! I need it on bread, I need it on a sub roll, I need it on a spoon! YUM!
These sandwiches look like a certain hit for dinner! I’m sorry your night out didn’t go quite as you expected, but you should keep trying to get out. It’s important for the two of you to spend time together. You’ll figure it out – it just takes time.
Der Monet, Life is a roller coaster. The most important and blessed honor one may be given is that of being a parent. Take one day at a time, enjoy that day and pray. Enjoy each moment since it is fleeting. Laugh a lot that is so good for you and music is such a good healer.
The meal you prepared looks wonderful as I am sure it was.
Take good care of yourself and enjoy.
Blessings my dearest and a hug, Catherine xo
Wow. Honest words. I certainly don’t understand your pressures (no kids) but I can appreciate these candid emotions. GREG
I love that you share these moments with us. You are very right about showing how to fight well and also about the reaction to bottle negative feelings to protect your little one. It’s such a reaction isn’t it? To protect our babies from negativity? While not a possibility it’s because we have the best of intentions. I hope you have a blessed weekend, you beautiful mother and sweet friend of mine. 🙂
Awww Monet. You wrote a beautiful post. It’s so true though. And I have no doubts that Lucy will grow up to be as strong and passionate, and intelligent as you are.
One day at a time…everything will fall into place. There will be plenty more of these moments, just so long as we work our way through them and walk away stronger.
The sandwich sounds delightful. I love the apple in the coleslaw too, that little bit of sweetness is perfect!
Stay strong.
Toodles,
Tammy<3
Hi Monet,
Yes, being a wife and mother can be very stressful at times, but then, in the end, love and trust, are what makes a happy family. Lucy is so lucky to have both you and Ryan as her parents.
The pulled chicken sandwich and apple coleslaw looks so delicious!
Just mouthwatering…looks delicious!
All the stress is really normal as parents to a newborn. No one tells you how unbelievably challenging it can be in the beginning. It does get easier and it’s helpful to look out into the future. Life gets easier as the baby grows. : ) Communication is definitely key. And good food goes a long way towards easing stress, I think. Your pulled chicken sandwich looks delish.
Your words are just right, and honest, which is something refreshing! How we deal is, in the end, the only thing that matters when it comes to emotions. And this pulled pork sandwich looks divine Monet!
We moved from Michigan to Oregon a month and a half before our twin girls were born, and I definitely remember the stress that came along with that transition. It takes a while to settle into a new routine and it seems like with babies once you figure out what works well, they grow/change and you have to readjust again. It is an exciting time though, and one that will strengthen your partnership and make you appreciate each other even more. 🙂 This pulled chicken sandwich looks absolutely scrumptious, and the apple slaw sounds lovely too!
Aww… I’m sorry for the fight on date night, but it’s good that you two had some time off from regular routine and let some emotion out to communicate. We became sort of different person (trying to show only good, gentle part of yourself) around the baby, but you know we need a break sometimes. I went through some emotional roller coaster when my mom went back to Japan after a month and all the sudden I was alone to do everything. I felt so lonely here without any close family… but I realized I’m now making my own family and picked up myself. 🙂 Hang in there, Monet!! Sending hugs and positive energy! Your bbq pulled chicken looks SO good!!!
Sounds like you both handled the situation maturely and are learning from it! And wow!…this meal looks fantastic!
Monet, I really appreciate your honest reflections on parenthood and married life. You’ve done a beautiful job demonstrating that relationships require work, and that there will be times when it is a real struggle to balance our roles as parents with our roles as partners.
Your recipe for BBQ pulled chicken looks fantastic. I love these meals that come together with a simple list of ingredients and just a small amount of effort : )
I so enjoy reading your blog and wanted you to know that I made the pulled chicken and slaw for company last night – it was delicious and we had very little left and I had almost doubled the recipe for 5 people!! My daughter recommended your blog and she gave me a beautiful buffalo cross stitch necklace made by your husband – we live part of the year in WY so buffalo are very special. Keep blogging!!
Both of you must be exhausted – having a child, although wonderful, is work, as is learning how to be a parent. And too often we take out our frustrations on the one or ones we love most. So much to learn in life, isn’t there? Anyway, really nice dish. Monthly rotation? Heck, I’d have it weekly!
Love reading about your honesty as a parent, Monet. It’s a truly difficult and rewarding job that requires a lot of love and understanding from the partner. You both without a doubt made the perfect pair to raise Lucy!
I have literally no words to describe this recipe. Just drooling away 😀
I love pulled pork sandwiches. This looks amazing! 🙂
I mean chicken! 🙂
We don’t have kids so I can only imagine how tough it must be to juggle everything. It sounds like you guys are very good at communicating though and things will be just fine. You have a great perspective on everything. This sandwich looks completely wonderful, and I can see why you’d want to go back for more!
The sharpness of the apple must have gone so well with the sweetness of the BBQ chicken, this sounds like the perfect sandwich!
I love this post. You’re so honest, and that’s something I think everyone can appreciate. Relationships are hard, but I think the fact that you can still say how much you love each other in the middle of a fight really says something. My boyfriend and I are like that, and even though it doesn’t make the fighting less stressful, it’s comforting to hear it even through frustration and anger.
You guys will figure this whole parenting thing out, and you’ll find your rhythm. I imagine it just takes a little while.