Almond Apricot Shortbread

Is it okay to say there are days I feel discouraged? Disillusioned? Because to be honest, I’m not in good place right now.

From wedding cake drama to infertility to memories of my sister’s last week in a hospital bed, these past few weeks have drained my already limited emotional reserve.

Sometimes, I think I make cakes and cookies–ubiquitous tokens of celebration–because they contrast with the harshness and bitterness of my inner thoughts.

Silly, I know.

For many people, God is the answer. And I’ll readily admit I have found some healing in spiritual practice.

But I still feel broken. And for this, I feel judgment. Because the God I seek is supposed to heal, to mend, and to put back together.

Instead, he or she has left me entirely undone.

And so I’m left questioning faith. I end up drinking too much coffee with too much soy milk. I carry around strips of undeveloped film in my purse–frames of my sister when she was only 9 or 10 years old–and I stare at them (those vague representations) instead of real photographs, because it is all I can handle…even 18 months after we lost her.

I am coping–often badly–and I credit any good to the constant support of family and friends. As for the rest? I apologize sincerely for my failed attempts at balance and health.

So about these cookies? They are pretty. And taste exactly like an almond apricot shortbread should: sweet and salty, chewy and crunchy. They also take well to a cookie-cutter, barely rising or spreading in the oven. And if you happen to have friends who deserve cookies (believe me, we all do), then you can package them up in a small mason jar and tie a bow just beneath the rim.

Yes. I realize I emotionally unloaded in this post. Yes, I understand I bake in order to cope. And right now, that’s all okay.  Because I have a feeling I’m not the only one.

Almond Apricot Shortbread

1/2 cup butter (1 stick)

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup finely chopped almonds (food processor is best for this task)

1/2 cup finely chopped dried apricots (plus more for decorating)*

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until light and creamy, about 3 minutes. Add egg. Mix until incorporated. Stir in almond extract and salt.

3. Fold in almonds and dried apricots. Add in flour and stir until a dough forms. Allow to chill in refrigerator for one hour. Roll out on a slightly floured surface to 1/2 inch thickness. Cut dough into shapes with a sharp cookie cutter. Place 1 to 2 inches apart on cookie sheet* and bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes, or until just a hint of golden brown.

*If you’d like, you can arrange a fingerful of dried apricot on top of your almond apricot shortbread before baking. It looks lovely.

Monet

Anecdotes and Apple Cores

44 thoughts on “Almond Apricot Shortbread”

  1. Dionne Baldwin

    I don’t have any answers or healing words, although if there were such a thing I would find them for you. I can only offer you my friendship and love as you try to make your way no matter what. You have been so strong my friend. I wish I could be right beside you just so you could have my shoulder to lean on.

    You always make the most beautiful treats!

  2. Anisetta

    I don’t think anything about these emotions is ugly and I’m deeply sorry for your frustration. It’s easy to despair when you’re so far away from the people who lift you up, but know that we’re all with you, holding out our hands and reaching out from our hearts in the hopes that you’ll not feel so alone. I don’t pretend to understand why good people often suffer the most tribulation but I do hope that you continue to be the kind of person that makes beautiful things instead of giving in to nihilism. Your patient wisdom and sweet eats have always been an inspiration. And congratulations for standing up to Bridezilla and Mom-thra! Not an easy feat!

  3. Jessie

    Don’t give up hope, Monet. Everyone heals differently, on their own time, in their own way. There’s no need to apologize for losing balance — you’ve been to Hell and back and you’re still here, making delicious treats for your family and friends and everyone who loves you.

    <3

  4. Leanne

    My mother taught me to bake. She baked because it gave her time to reflect and a means to cope with life’s stresses. She struggled through infertility for 17 years, and finally my brother and I were born to her moments before she turned 40. It’s not an easy road, and I’ve learned so much hearing her stories of the difficulties, especially half a dozen miscarriages, that she faced. Needless to say, we always had a lot of baking in the house growing up.

    I don’t know why I’m sharing this other than to say however you are coping with the horrible struggles you and your family has faced over the last few years is perfectly okay. There is no standard way to grieve and there are often no answers to the questions it raises. We only have one day, one minute at a time, and I truly hope you will soon feel relief of any guilt you’re feeling over questioning faith and other things. It’s okay to do that. Really!

    I’m thinking of you and holding you close in my thoughts and my heart. <3

  5. Eva

    Thank you for your honesty……..it helps all of us. I encourage you to take a day at a time……a minute at a time if needed. I found comfort in baking as well and it allows a brief moment of joy in a sometimes cruel world. Will continue to pray for you and thank you for sharing your life and recipes with all of us. You have touched more lives than you could possibly realize which in fact may be your purpose at this moment! xo

  6. Georgia @ The Comfort of Cooking

    Monet, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. I know you’ll get through it and keep that beautiful smile, though. It is tough to hear, but time really does heal all wounds and I can tell you’ve been patient but eager. That’s only natural, sweet girl. Hope to meet up sometime this fall to catch up and drown our frustrations in pumpkin lattes. 😉

  7. Becky

    Monet,
    My heart goes out to you as you find your way through your losses. You are doing what makes you feel better, baking yummy treats, and expressing your feelings at the moment. You don’t have to apologize for those, and the people and friends close to you benefit from the baked goods. Your readers benefit as well, because we see a true expression of your feelings, and wish you nothing but the best.

    Hugs~

  8. Rachel @ My Naturally Frugal Family

    My heart is very heavy for you Monet. They say the Lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle, that being said you must be an incredibly strong woman.
    It must be hard to trust that you will come out of this but I know you will.
    If baking is your refuge and what brings you some joy, then bake away.
    If you need to unload on a blog post, e-mail, twitter, etc then do so. Holding it all in will only make you ill.
    I wish I had some great words of wisdom to share that would just help bring everything back together. I do however want to say that the shortbread cookies do look quite pretty 🙂

  13. Jeanne

    Nope, you’re not the only one! Discouragement and disillusion are part of life and although it can be difficult to see through all the darkness, I believe that these are the times that help us build inner strength. Baking is an excellent way to cope, especially when you make bright sunshine-y treats like these cookies. 🙂

  15. Baking Serendipity

    Monet, my heart breaks for you. And, I know about baking to fill voids all too well lately. God is challenging me, and I keep trying to have faith that I’ll look back and see a purpose to all this on my path to something extraordinary, but it gets tough sometimes. Keeping you in my prayers, and wishing I could sit down with you for a cookie, a cup of coffee and a good cry. That’s what friends are for, right? 🙂 Keep smiling, sweet girl.

  17. Gina

    Of course you are not alone. Keep the faith, it will get better. I think we all have something to work out in one way or another and I think baking is way better than hitting the bottle. I’m sorry you had to deal with that ugly bride. You will get stronger and stronger, don’t let the bee-otches of life get you down, because believe me sometimes it seems like they are lined up around the corner to piss in your cheerios. Hugs.
    -Gina-

  18. Sylvie @ Gourmande in the Kitchen

    You certainly aren’t the only one, we all have struggled with discouragement and disillusionment at one point and lost our way as evidenced by the outpouring of love and support in the comments here. Hang in there, lean on others.

  20. RavieNomNoms

    Don’t feel like you are alone my love, we have all been in those places. Please know that you have so many people around you to support you and who think you are amazing. It is tough when there is so much negative in your life, it is hard to get out of that mindset. Just be who you are my dear, we will have good days and bad days. You are stronger than you think.

    Your apricot cookies remind me of a pastry my mom used to make when I was younger. I am definitely going to try them.

    XOXO

  21. Wendy Irene

    Monet, I am sending you the biggest hug full of love. Before I had my oldest son I had a miscarriage. I remember feeling extremely down. Some people would get annoyed with that, and expected me to simply snap out of it. Looking back I know I needed to let myself feel all those feelings to come out the other side stronger. Allow yourself the freedom to be who you are unapologetically.
    For me God is simply energy, and I don’t believe the energy from our loved ones goes away when they die, I think it just transfers to a different state. When you feel the love you have for your sister it could be her energy surrounding you.

  22. Julia {The Roasted Root}

    Sweetheart, this post was heartbreaking for me to read and now I’m teary-eyed and just want to give you a big hug. I have never experienced a loss the same way you did with your sister so all I can do is helplessly extend my condolences and tell you to keep cherishing your memories. I appreciate your ability to come undone…so many people (including myself) pretend they’re okay when they’re not. I’m no psychologist, but allowing yourself to completely unravel so that the pieces can begin slowly coming back together is sometimes what it takes to mend. I sincerely wish you the best and just know you have a TON of supporters who are there for you!

  23. Vanessa Woods

    Monet,

    First let me say, how sorry for your losses –

    Pam & Susanne passed through my life before you were even a consideration.

    Your dad had just moved into the old DeBooy house smack in the middle of our culdesac
    with his two little girls (and a BIG white poodle!)
    Mrs. DeBooy was notorious for her”July Party”every year. So many people had birthdays in July on our tiny block she would set up a row of tables end to end as far as you could see and ask everyone attending to bring a cake. She still at 75 holds her “July Party’s” in an field next to her old farm house in Fife. Table cloths being as important as the cakes, mind you.

    My little sister Vicki and Pammy were
    friends along with another girl on the block named Andrea Henderson. I was older by
    far, somewhere along in High School. I used to play with sweet little blond Susanne.

    I would take Susanne with me to a horse pasture down the street where I used to ride.

    Susanne had electricity whereas Pamela I remember as being elegant.

    Bob somehow managed (through his loss) to created a wonderful family
    for his two little girls. Its nice to know you were in Pam’s life and are such
    good sister to that sweet little Susanne.

    Vanessa Woods

    1. Monet Post author

      Vanessa, Wow. What a treasure. Thank you for sharing these memories with me. They mean more to me than I can easily express. Please feel free to contact me via email (monet@cakestandbakes.com) I would love to talk with you more.

  26. Joanne

    Oh sweetie you have been through so much that I actually think you are probably all the more balanced by admitting that you feel unbalanced! That’s really the first step towards being okay. And baking. Definitely the ultimate therapy. <3 you!

  29. Anita at Hungry Couple

    I spend time in the kitchen as a way of relaxing and clearing my head of negative thoughts so that’s normal. And if the result is delicious shortbread cookies (my favorite) than so much the better. The only healing words I have for you is that the world spins and moves and moves on. What is bleak today will not be so tomorrow. Try hard to focus on what you have.

  30. Tami

    Monet,

    Let me first start with, I have felt an overwhelming desire to reach out to you-one that I could not ignore without regret. So here I humbly write to you with the notion you have no idea who I am. I however, know you and your family. I knew Pam and Mike, I know your father and mother. Although my connection as an acquaintance is quite small in comparison, it does provide me at least a closer understanding than perhaps that of a stranger as to the loss you have described in your life. I also can recollect your health struggles that started as a young child and were the main reason your family moved from Houston to Colorado to give you a better quality of life.

    You and your family have truly been through many trials in your lives. I want more than anything to bring you some peace and comfort as you move forward in the life you have been blessed with. You don’t need to live in fear of, “what’s next”. You don’t need to feel broken. I have been through some of the same health trials and when I read your words I remember them as my thoughts. At my worst, I was admitted into the hospital with a plethora of terrifying, intensely painful symptoms and 6 specialists assigned to my case. I had complete faith in the doctor’s abilities and trusted they could heal me. I underwent every test imaginable but was released four days later with 8 different prescriptions only to help my symptoms. Not one of these specialists could find an answer. I was not healed, I still suffered. I put my faith in people and I was let down. I was quickly reminded that although we may have the best intentions, we fail because we are fallible, filled with weaknesses, incapable of controlling circumstances and well…human.

    After exhausting all of my human solutions, I surrendered and turned my eyes back to God and the one most accurate textbook ever published. The Bible that continues to be proven factual and what has not yet been proven has never been disproved. All my answers and comfort were found in HIS word- HIS plan, not mine, HIS will, not mine. HE already gave me the greatest gift I have ever received of salvation with no works added by me, just faith alone in HIS SON, JESUS CHRIST that HE died for my sins. HE has every hair numbered on my head, HIS plans are to prosper not to harm me, HE will never leave or forsake me, HE tells me to seek the truth and I will find it. HE must have a purpose for my suffering!

    Through suffering we have a greater opportunity to draw closer to God and see his power as HIS plan unfolds. Our lives intertwine with one another with a cause and effect. You don’t know me, yet your life has touched mine because of the suffering of you and your family. I in turn have shared your lives with my friends and family who have prayed for you all and also encouraged me to write to you. I have read hundreds of messages from strangers whose lives your sister Pam and her family have touched after their accident last year. After 911, humanity paused to reflect upon their own lives. People turned back to God, priorities were reset, divorce petitions were retracted and families were reunited. There was a greater appreciation for one another and our freedom was no longer taken for granted. Suddenly, the simplest things in life were once again treasured. The attitude for gratitude had returned. It’s sad that it took something so horrific to happen that would draw us back into divine establishment thinking. These were the kinds of principles our country was founded on. Unfortunately, as memories of 911 fade and fear of terrorism is abated, prosperity increases, approbations and lusts multiply, we once again slip back into the old pattern of thinking and God is put upon a shelf until the next crisis.

    Monet, you have been given a gift. You write with such eloquence that I am in awe as I read your blogs. You probably touch more lives in a day then I do in a year. If you believe in God, then I hope you believe in HIS gift of salvation and that you will have the peace and confidence that HE has a special plan for you even through all the suffering and loss you have endured. A plan that does not contain fear, anxiety or worry but one with hope, excitement, blessings, encouragement and the desires of your heart fulfilled like the sweet baby you yearn for.

    I can encourage you with my life in that my suffering brought forth an exponential amount of blessing for myself, my husband, my children and others who were suffering but have been given their health back. God lead me straight to the answers I had been seeking-the ones that no doctor could give me. I feel so honored God uses me in such a way to help others. I can honestly say my life is wonderful!

    Warmest regards,
    Tami Evans

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