I shattered my iPhone on Saturday night. After a long and stressful day, I left the house for what was supposed to be a relaxing walk. Instead, Margot jerked my hand and my phone flew, making quick contact with the concrete. I know I’m not the only one who has anxiously reached down to pick up a dropped phone, praying that somehow it survived a hard blow. I turned it over and my stomach dropped. Shattered glass is breathtaking in its beauty and its destruction.
I stormed inside the house, tears filling my eyes. I even flung Margot’s leash across the front foyer. My behavior was childish…it’s a phone after all…but I felt such a strong rush of emotions that I could barely contain my anger.
As often happens with Ryan and me, it took a few hours for the dust to settle before we were able to analyze behavior. By that point, I had called T-mobile and ordered a replacement. We live in a world where broken phones are almost as catastrophic as a failing pace-maker and my new iPhone 5 was already on its way to Colorado Springs by the time we went to bed last night. But even though the problem was fixed (for a relatively nominal fee), I couldn’t shake the uneasiness of the evening. A long walk with Ryan was what I needed, and as we paced our dark neighborhood I discovered what was at the root of my emotions that night.
Many of you know that Ryan and I recently walked down a very dark road. We lost his father to suicide in January 2009 and then my 2-year-old nephew drowned in October of that same year. In the Spring of 2010, my oldest sister and her family were in a catastrophic and fatal car accident. We lost three family members from that collision, my sister included. To say that Ryan and I learned about the uncertainty of life is an understatement. We were ripped away from any illusion of safety, and it’s taken years for us to feel somewhat secure again.
When my iPhone flew out of my hands and shattered on the concrete on Saturday night, I went back to a place of no control. I was reminded how quickly everything can change and how devastating one small action can be. Yes, it was just an iPhone (and thank God for that!) but it evoked the same feelings that I contended with again and again during our season of tragic loss.
And with the addition of Lucille to our family, I think I’ve grown to feel even more vulnerable. Because beneath a rather cheery surface, those fears of loss and tragedy still run strong inside of me. They came out last night as I stormed through our house.
As Ryan and I walked around our neighborhood last night, my reaction began to make sense. I cried when I thought about how much I love Lucy and I confessed that I’m scared, no petrified, that something terrible might happen again. The tears I shed with Ryan were needed tears. Tears that I had tried to swallow up with activities and planning and baking and parties. Sometimes we need these moments of emotional rawness to get at the core of whats making us less-than-human. I know I did. Because by trying to cover up my pain and fear, I was hiding a big part of me (a beautiful and broken part of me).
I can’t tell you that I now know how to grapple with the lingering pain of loss. I can’t tell you that my breakthrough last night alleviated any of those fears. But I can tell you that the only way wounds can heal is if they’re exposed to fresh air. And I’ve decided it’s time to let them breathe again.
These chocolate chip cookies are a classic around my house. I’m sharing them today because I know that I, at least, need a little bit of comfort.
Classic Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 cups and 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12 TBSP butter, melted and cooled
1 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 egg + 1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups chocolate chips
In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside. In a large bowl, cream together melted butter and sugars. Stir in egg and egg yolk. Stir in vanilla extract. Fold dry ingredients into wet ingredients until dough begins to form. Stir in chocolate chips. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and allow to chill for at least 30 minutes up to 24 hours.
When ready to bake, preheat oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit. Allow dough to sit out for 15 minutes at room temperature before attempting to scoop. Scoop dough out in 1/4 cup increments, spacing cookies at least 3 inches apart. Bake for 10-13 minutes. Cookies will look slightly undercooked. Remove from oven and allow to cool on cookie sheet for ten minutes before removing to a wire rack to finish cooling. Best enjoyed immediately with a tall glass of milk.
Hugs, I’m so sorry to hear about the phone. I can imagine how hard it is not to think about the past and to have fears. I pray time makes it easier for you.
Monet, many, many hugs from so far away – yet right now, some of our thoughts are probably crossing paths. Tomorrow, a year ago, my dad died after a long struggle with illness but tomorrow will also be filled with absolute joy as a very beloved person that I have not seen in years will come for a long awaited visit and stay with us for a good ten days.
Taking a few minutes…and looking at your comfort cookies – if I may call then that way. I think I need a few right now!
Alles Liebe – lots of love,
Andrea
Monet, I cried reading this post. You have been through so much and I am in complete awe of your strength. I know Lucy will be fine, more than fine, wonderful, and I just want to thank you for always sharing so much of yourself on here. This is one of my favorite blogs to read because I feel like I’m just sitting here chatting with you and really getting to know you. <3
And also…there are delicious cookies 😛
I can’t even imagine going through everything that your family has over these last few years. But I definitely do understand how something small can trigger a flood of other emotions (making that small thing that really doesn’t matter much seem like such a big deal). These cookies came out perfect – and chocolate chip cookies really are the perfect comfort sweet. At least in my book : ) Sending hugs your way!
Monet,
You are so brave to face your fears, and try to alleviate the pain with them. You and Ryan have come such a long way from those dark moments. Your phone incident triggered those fears again, but you were able to cope with them. Lucy is such a blessing to both of you.
Your cookies are perfect comfort food, when we need it most. How many chocolate chips do you add, the whole bag? I didn’t see them added. Have a great week with Ryan and Lucy!
Keeping you in thoughts and prayers… Thank you for the cookies!
Being brave and vulnerable at the same time must be so frightening. This has been such a hard several years for you and Ryan and your families, and I can completely understand how afraid you feel at time, and how seemingly small things can be so frustrating and scary at the same time *HUGS* Your writing is always so beautiful.
I remember making one of your chocolate chip cookie recipes when I was trying to impress (and I did!) 🙂
Being vulnerable is a very scary thing. Good for you to at least recognize that you are and to lean on someone, Ryan, for support. It always amazes me how the smallest of things can remind us how fragile we all are in this world. Hugs.
These cookies look so deliciously comforting. There is nothing better than walking home and smelling chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.
I think you hold a far better understanding of your inner workings than most people. And I say that as a compliment to you.
Phil, my husband, told me many times of nightmares, horrible nightmares he used to have about his twin babies. He struggled with those until someone told him that they were quite likely mechanisms he created to deal with possible problems – as if by dreaming horrible things, we are better prepared to avoid accidents, stuff like that. Premonitions can be very unsettling, but I believe they are mechanisms we have to anticipate possible problems and avoid them.
I think the fear of loss in your case is made worse because of all you and your family went through, but as long as you try to be aware of them, you will be better prepared to deal with it all. Crying, crying a lot, contacting your fear, and letting it pass. Things tend to seem worse at night.. hang in there until the sun rises again, and you see beautiful Lucy smiling at you…
(great cookies!)
(((((((((Hugs)))))))) I’m so sorry for all the losses you’ve had to endure! Since I just recently started following your blog, I had no idea. That was a lot of people to lose from your life in a short amount of time. You’re in my prayers.
i’m sorry to hear of the losses you’ve had in the past few years. it’s rough when things happen all at once like that. nothing more comforting than a chocolate chip cookie or a favorite dish!
I’m so sorry to hear about that. I’m sending you lots of hugs and wishing the best for you and your family, you’re all so brave!
These cookies look delicious, they came out so thick and perfect that they’re like a dream! x
Hugs to you my dear. I know too well those deep fears of loss and tragedy. I lost a close cousin and grandmother in 2009, my father 2010 and my aunt 2011. I feel like I live in constant fear of tragedy and uncertainty. But in times like that, only comfort food like these cookies can help ease the pain. And of course, the arms of a trusted friend and partner.
PS: Next time you can go to Apple store and get your phone replaced for free. It an unknown and unspoken rule that each iPhone can be replaced once from an accident like yours. It’s happened to me on two occasions…although my cute niece may have helped in the persuasion the second time.
Hugs to you Monet! Sometimes you just need a good cry and a good chocolate chip cookie. 🙂
A big bummer for your broken phone! But, as you wrote -it’s only a phone that can be replaced and that is a wonderful thing! Don’t be too hard on yourself is what occurs to me as I read about your uncomfortable-ness with the angry and raw feelings that come up..isn’t it amazing how that happens when we least expect it and yes I agree with you those feelings offer an opportunity to be honest with ourselves-not always an easy thing to accomplish 😉
Your cookies looks so fluffy and perfectly baked-I do wish I had a couple of them right this moment 😉
I want some of those in my lunch bag tomorrow!
Dear, dear Monet, I’m crying with you tonight after reading your post. I’m so deeply sorry for the horrifying loss and pain you have endured over the last few years. Of course you would have deep fears of loss simmering just below the surface. I’m so glad you have a man who loves you (and that he has you!!) and walks through these awful times with you. Wishing you deep peace and healing and much courage to love without fear. XO
In my opinion nothing beats a classic chocolate chip cookie! Gorgeous job!!! xo
sending you lots of positive thoughts and strength for you to keep strong and kudos for Ryan to be so supportive. XOXO
I’m sorry to hear of the losses you’ve had in the past few years, Monet. Life can be really tough sometimes…thank GOD this time is just a phone, still it’s something that belongs to you…I cried a bit when my first laptop was down.
Those chocolate cookies look super!
Hey, it is more than ok to need to heal. Lots of good thoughts to you! And a batch of chocolate chip cookies is definitely one of the most classic of comforts, whether the loss is large or small. 🙂
My absolutely favorite!
As a mom, I get these same fears…but I understand how yours are even deeper considering all the family heartache you’ve endured. I’m at the airport, heading to your state to visit my parents. Sending you a big hug…cooke dough always puts me in a better mood…and cookies, too. xo
Monet, when I read about your reaction to the dropped iPhone I totally related, because I have these irrational, unreasonable freak outs every now and then. Usually, as happened to you in this case, it’s really a reaction to other things happening in my life instead of the mundane, small problem that seems to trigger the outburst. I can’t imagine going through all of that loss and devastation in such a short time period. My heart goes out to you! At least you have Ryan and sweet baby Lucy. And you definitely deserved the comfort of these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. Sending you hugs, girl!
Monet,
I think that anyone who has lost love ones (just as you have) has experienced that same vulnerable feeling that you are experiencing (myself included). Fear(and the worry resulting from it)can paralyze us if we let it, and that stops us from enjoying the great things that we have been blessed with. I think you have been extremely brave in the face of all that has happened to you. And you are a wise girl for being able to recognize how it effects you. I’m always an email away if you need to chat 🙂
It’s impossible for us to keep calm and cool all the time. It’s only natural to want to express just how shitty we feel when something bad happens in our lives. I too tend to freak a bit before calming down. Eric’s learned to deal with it. These are good men we have.
Ever since the death of my father, I have similar reactions to things. If my mother doesn’t call me back for twenty minutes, I start to panic that something has happened to her. If the.boy is a few minutes late, I frantically check twitter and the news to make sure something catastrophic hasn’t occurred. It’s hard.
Taking the time to bake and walk with Ryan and let yourself calm down is definitely key!
I recently lost my mother, and I’ve been a completely irrational wreck ever since. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY PUT MUSHROOMS ON THE PIZZA!?!? /collapsesintoapileoftears or THESE DISHES HAVE SPOTS ON THEM!! /immediateemotionalbreakdown
That being said, I’m pretty sure that your reaction to your broken phone is completely justified!! I would have done the same thing (even the rational Natalie would have, lol!)
I’m so sorry for all your loss that you’ve had, one is hard enough… I think I’m going to have to make a batch of these cookies so that I can emotional-eat to calm myself <3
Monet, this is a heart breaking post. I cannot begin to understand the tremendous amount of loss you have experienced, but I know it must be very difficult to deal with. I hope life does not throw more difficulties your way. And if all else fails, make cookies, right 😉 Wishing the best for you!
I’m really sorry to hear about all the losses in your life and the feelings that still exist. I know it must be hard and you have long nights, but I’m hoping it gets better for you. Consider this a sincere big hug!
Whenever people ask me what surprises me the most about motherhood, I always tell the truth– that I didn’t know how SCARED I would feel, ALL. THE. TIME. I try not to allow myself to get too wrapped up in senseless anxiety, but the truth is, being a mother has brought out a side to me that I didn’t have before– a side that is absolutely terrified of loss. I feel this way having never lost someone in my life in a tragic way, so I can only imagine how it must be for you, having dealt with such absolute tragedy multiple times in the recent past. I don’t know how it gets easier, and maybe it doesn’t. A part of me will probably always be terrified of loss. I guess the key for me is not letting that fear rule my life, or my relationship with the people I love. Thinking of you, Monet, and sending hugs across the interwebs.
The world can be a scary and awful place sometimes, and I’m so sorry for the losses and unhappiness you’ve had to experience. And nothing you do can guarantee horrible things will never happen to you. The possibility always exists, and it’s easiest, I’ve found, to plan for what you can (get regular checkups, for example, so you’re not suddenly faced with a medical “emergency” that could have been dealt with years earlier), and then trust when something unexpected and unknown happens, you, Ryan, and Lucy will collectively find the strength, courage, and imagination to face up to it. What else can you do? It’s easy to say “don’t worry, be happy” but that outlook gets you through an awful lot of stuff. (But worry about what you can control and don’t stress broken phones – those are sudden and random events.)
Sometimes we just need a good cry to let everything out. Or a good therapist. I find talking very therapeutic. It helps me understand things I normally wouldn’t if I were to talk to a family member. I have known and spoken to people who have sought out therapy after a death or illness in the family and it has helped them tremendously. Anyway… hugs to you. You’re in my prayers.
My heart ached reading about this and I am soo very sorry to hear about your losses in such a short time *hugs*.
I lost my oldest brother in an accident about 10 years ago and I can relate to those moments where I broke down over a little thing like a spilled cup of milk. After having my son, he has definitely given me more strength and brought that smile and spark back to my life. It has also triggered that fear of loss as well but I am trying not to let that take over being a loving mom.
Lucille is absolutely beautiful and hopefully she can help ease some of the pain over the coarse of time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your lovely family *hugs*
I’m so sorry about all the loss you’ve experienced recently of those close to you 🙁 How very tragic. It’s hard to walk forward unafraid, but if you live in fear you’ll never really live. I’ve had days where I had an anxiety I couldn’t place, so I know what you mean by that. For me, sometimes, it’s related to a dream I had that feels so real. I’m glad that your loss this time was just a phone and I hope that you’re feeling better after shedding some much-needed tears 🙂 Sending you a virtual hug, Monet!!! Glad you have the support of a wonderful hubby and a daughter that brings you so much joy!
oh dear I rememberr well sweetie becaus I knew you in this time. Is hard, really hard, but you have the sweet Lucy, your hubby and a loy of love, and Im sure your sister is always with you, love and hugs to you!xo
gloria
heartbreaking to hear what you guys have been through! and I think all parents have fears for their kids (especially moms)- it’s the hardest thing for me to deal with. and yes in my head i keep seeing horrible things happening and i have to smack myself out of it! I then start imagining my boys when they’re 30 yr old men with chest hair and beards… then i feel a bit better.
re-phone shattered glass is literally the identifier of and i-phone (sorry NOT a fan, i’m a samsung devotee, I’ve dropped by galaxy note many times and nothing happened to it, though I do have a cute little leather case on it.)
This is precisely why I love your blog. Honesty. I can so relate! I always know it’s not just about one thing but it goes deeper when I react similarly to things that shouldn’t be a big deal. You’re such a strong woman, Monet! An inspiration, really =)
Monet, I had no idea. I’m so sorry about all your loss you and your husband and family have had to endure. I’m sitting here wishing you and your family well.