My First Pregnancy Part 3 | Anecdotes and Apple Cores

April 11, 2013

As strange as it might sound, I think it finally hit me this week: we’re having a baby. At this point, I’m very comfortable with being pregnant, but in a matter of weeks, I’ll begin a new chapter. I’ll be a mom. And this reality–motherhood–is both exciting and terrifying. Maybe I’ve come to realize the realness of little Lucy because her kicks are no longer just playful jabs. Her movements are powered by real, strong, baby legs. And when she turns, I can feel the heft of her body. My stomach moves to one side, and Ryan can run his fingers along her back. Or maybe it’s because we’re finally in our new home. Lucy has a bedroom now. Her crib is sitting beneath her window. The changing table is by the door. This new environment, our first home, inspires visions. Visions of her crawling. Visions of her coming home from school. Visions of weeknight dinners with a family of three.

I’ve heard this is natural. These feelings of ambivalence and even fear. I’m thankful I have the support of my family. A well-placed sentence can do wonders to calm a nervous mama’s heart. And Ryan and I are so thankful for our new home.

April 22, 2013

Ryan and I had one of those weekends. We spent time with family and each other. We ate good food prepared by people I love (and we, ourselves, made a delectable orange chicken on Friday night). Ryan woke up early on Saturday to make me an omelet, and we drove around Colorado Springs hitting up estate sales and garage sales while I munched on pancakes (yes, pancakes are now portable for this 32 week pregnant woman).

At this point in my pregnancy, I receive welcome and unwelcome comments and advice. For example: we met a sweet old woman at Mountain Mamas (a local natural foods store) who spoke about birth with such excitement that I couldn’t help but look forward to the day I bring Lucy into the world. She advocated swaddling, baby-carrying, and co-sleeping. I listened, grateful for her kind and joyful advice, while she scanned my milk and pink lady apples.

And then, on Sunday, while Ryan and I waited outside an old dinky estate sale, we met the father of Max (Max was a big and frightful two-year-old). Max’s father couldn’t stop talking about the stresses of parenthood. He told us where to buy the cheapest formula (Costco) and reminded us, yet again, that our lives were going to become very different and difficult in a few weeks. “But,” he finally did say, “I do love my son.”

So as I think about parenthood, I remember the importance of listening to that still, quiet voice inside of me. I think parenting will be one of our greatest adventures, and I know that we’ll make many mistakes and have many successes. There are so many opinions swirling around us, and at times, it feels overwhelming. Should we use cloth diapers? Should we co-sleep? How should we discipline? What role should media play in our child’s life? The list goes on and on.

But then I remember what Ryan and I do best: we love each other, in small and quiet ways. And I know we’ll be okay.

April 24, 2013

April 26, 2013

I had planned on writing this post as soon as I got home from my OB appointment. Instead, I cleaned my house, mopped the floors, and made a batch of banana pancakes. Anyone who knows me well, understands that this behavior is a nervous response. Once I hit about 8 weeks, I haven’t had any worries in my pregnancy. The baby has been healthy. My blood tests have come back normal. My weight gain has been appropriate.

But today, my OB expressed what I call, “slight concern.” My fundal height (the measurement of my stomach/uterus) was behind schedule. “Nothing significant,” she assured me but not without ordering an ultrasound to make sure Lucy was growing the way she should be. Of course, that ultrasound couldn’t be scheduled until later next week. Not good for a mama who is prone to anxiety and worry. My sweet husband reassured me on the way home. He prayed over us, and we both felt Lucy move at his touch. Often, taller women carry their babies more internally. We have more room for our uterus to expand inside. In all likelihood, we’ll go to our ultrasound next week and see a healthy and growing little girl. But I still needed to clean the house and bake when I got home from the doctor. I still worry that something might not be right: my placenta isn’t giving her enough nutrients, the cord is deficient, etc, etc…

Yet then I remember that by worrying, I do nothing but send stress hormones through my body and Lucy’s body too. I trust that this baby was meant to be a beautiful and healthy part of our family. I hold onto the little kicks she gives me after I eat something sweet like an apple. And I’m thankful we live in a country where medical care is accessible and often exceptional.

May 3, 2013

As you know, we had a small scare last week. Or, more accurately, I had a small scare last week (Ryan remained valiant through it all). When we went in for our biweekly check-up at the OB, she mentioned that my stomach hadn’t grown since she’d last seen me. She scheduled an ultrasound to make sure that our Lucy was still growing, receiving nutrients from the placenta. She tried to assure me that likely everything was just fine. But I didn’t (and still don’t) like the word “likely.”

Ryan and I had a difficult time conceiving. We were in the office of a fertility specialist when we found out we were pregnant. My first twelve weeks were touch-and-go. My progesterone levels dropped around 8 weeks, causing me to bleed and sending us to the ER. When we finally made it to the second trimester, I felt such relief and gratefulness. When we saw Lucy at our anatomical scan in January, I cried. The ultrasound tech told us again and again, “She’s just perfect.”

So when I thought there might be something wrong, when I feared my body had stopped doing what it was supposed to do, I panicked. Thankfully, I had my stellar husband, a few good friends, and my sweet mom to reassure me: everything’s going to be alright.

And yesterday morning, we confirmed just that: everything with Lucy is fine.

Not only is she still growing, but she’s a few days ahead of schedule, weighing almost 5 lbs. She’s nestled down into my pelvis (ready to go into the world!) and she’s still keeping her hands close to her sweet face. Wonderful reassurance. Just what I needed to carry us through these last weeks.

May 6, 2013

May 8, 2013

So we’re now at 34 weeks, and I thought I’d share how we’re all doing as the big day looms closer.

Cravings: Pizza, bagels with cheese, bacon, tortilla chips, and coconut cake

Fears: Ryan and I want a natural childbirth, but I’ve definitely been feeling a bit more intimidated about laboring without pain medication. Maybe I’ve just been watching too many birth videos, but I worry that I won’t be able to handle the intensity of transition and pushing. Thankfully, we have a GREAT doula, and I know she’ll help me talk through some of these fears.

Exercise: Margot (our pup) and I still walk 2-3 miles each day. I’m moving slower now, so I listen to Terry Gross a bit longer on my IPOD, but we’re making it out everyday. I’m also doing squats whenever I think about it, which means Ryan finds me awkwardly moving up and down as I brush my teeth.

Nursery: Lucille Amelia’s nursery is almost complete! We still need to hang up a few pictures, and my mom is painting my great-grandmother’s rocker…but it definitely looks like her room, and I can’t wait to share it with you in a few more weeks!

Health: We had an appointment with my OB today and all looks well. Lucille is in the 56 percentile, and my OB thinks she’ll be around 7.5 or 8 lbs if we get to 40 weeks. My blood pressure is right on track. And even though Lucy is already 5 lbs, I’ve only gained a total of 16. Here’s to hoping to a healthy and happy 6 more weeks!

Ryan: My sweet husband has been nothing but love to me. He comes home from work and showers us both with affection. He sings to Lucy, talks to Lucy, and plays with Lucy (she kicks him, he nudges her back). I can already tell they’re going to be close. She has him wrapped around her finger already. And tomorrow we celebrate 4 years of marriage. I’ve never loved him more.

May 15, 2013

How am I doing at 35 weeks?

Cravings: chocolate pudding, animal crackers, ham and cheese sandwiches, granny smith apples

Fears: How am I going to get everything done? I feel like my to-do list is a mile long and my productivity is waning. Unfortunately, I’ve also become VERY indecisive. Should I buy this nursing bra? Or that one? Should we use a Moses basket? Or a bassinet? I think the plethora of opinions and information is becoming more of a curse than a blessing.

Exercise: Margot and I are still walking about 2 miles each day. The weather has warmed up finally, so Ryan and I usually take an evening walk as well. My energy is much better in the mornings though, so I often tire out after about twenty minutes of walking at night. I’m also hoping to take a prenatal yoga class this week.

Nursery: Lucille Amelia’s nursery (and the rest of our house) needs to be cleaned and organized before our housewarming party on Saturday. Yet another to-do on my list! But her room is exactly what I hoped for…soft vintage touches paired with practical baby-gear.

Health: As I shared over the weekend, we had a scare last Thursday night. Turns out I’m allergic to shellfish. We spent our anniversary evening at the Labor and Delivery Unit. Thankfully, both baby and me are just fine now. But I won’t be eating shrimp or mussels anytime soon!

Ryan: We celebrated our anniversary (again) on Saturday night due to how poorly Thursday ended. Rioja in Denver is now my favorite restaurant in Colorado, maybe even the country, and we were treated to a four course dinner that I won’t forget anytime soon. Ryan and I are enjoying these last few weeks of being just HIM and ME. We’re going out to eat, we’re watching movies, we’re hosting parties, and we’re taking long walks. I’m very much in love with both my baby and my husband. I couldn’t feel more blessed!

May 17, 2013

So I’m a list maker. Type A on most days of the week. With Lucy’s arrival just around the corner, Ryan and I have been trying to savor these last few days. “Trying” is the operative word. Because even though I know we won’t ever have this time again (just him and me), I’m also plagued with practicality. So when Friday night rolls around, I’m often torn between going out to see a movie with Ryan…and organizing my bedroom closet.

This simply can’t be.

So with a little more than 30 days to go before my due date, I came up with a list. A list of fun (and even a few practical) activities I’d like to do before Lucille Amelia is born. Now, of course, I realize that she could come at any time, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care if the list is completed. But having these goals motivate me to leave the house, to enjoy time with my husband, and I’m happy to say we’ve already been crossing items off our list.

1. Dine at two NICE restaurants. This means at least 3 dollar signs on Yelp.

2. Go to a show. Ryan and I met at an Architecture and Helsinki show many years ago. We’re hoping to catch David Ramirez at the beginning of June!

3. Go see a movie. Maybe Great Gatsby? There aren’t too many good films out right now…but we need to do it while we can!

4. Hike in the mountains. We live in Colorado. No excuses.

5. Finish reading a novel. I’m about 100 pages into the Marriage Plot. Totally attainable.

6. Enjoy a leisurely breakfast at Adam’s Mountain Cafe. Already done!

7. Go to Boulder’s Farmer’s Market and pick up doughnuts from Dizzy Doughnuts.

8. Invite my sweet niece Halley over for a sleepover.

9. Host a dinner party.

10. Go out to eat with friends (at least twice). One down, one more to go!

11. Finish Lucy’s baby book. I told you there were some practical items on this list.

12. Print and organize pictures from Paris. Another.

13. Host a party.

14. Hang pictures and shelves in nursery.

15. Work in the front yard with Ryan. Pick out flowers and bushes.

16. Write. Daily.

17. Spend time with our siblings. Even if it means a long phone date!

18. Spend time with our parents. We have great ones.

19. Paint rocker with mom.

20. Go on a picnic.

May 22, 2013

A huge success during my 36th week of pregnancy!

Cravings: animal crackers with whole milk, ham and cheese sandwiches, banana pancakes (yet again), peanut butter and bananas, chips and salsa

Fears: Wow. This has been a harder week for me emotionally. I’m grappling with change. Not only are we expecting our first baby in a few weeks, but I also finished graduate school this May. For the past several years, I’ve lived a busy and achievement-focused life. I worked hard in school, I obtained a wonderful internship at the Department of Veteran Affairs, I published several short stories, and I gained the admiration of several respected professors and peers. And now, I’m going to be a mother. And now, I’m going to stop all the busyness, all the activity, and take care of our precious little girl. I’m happy I have the opportunity to do this–to stay at home and be a mom–but I’m also terrified. My self-worth is tied to many things and I’d be lying if I said achievement wasn’t one of them. I’m trying to process these complicated emotions now but I know it will be a process. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but it’s also about sacrifice.

Exercise: Yep. Margot and I are still walking. I’m doing a variety of yoga poses at home (but I haven’t had the chance to go to an actual prenatal yoga class yet). I’m doing wall push-ups in hopes that my long and thin arms will beef up just a little bit before baby comes.

Health: We’re now meeting with our OB every week. So far, both baby and I are doing really well. Low blood pressure, ideal weight gain, and no signs of early labor. I do have braxton-hixes throughout the day, but they’re manageable.

Ryan: Sweet man woke up this morning to find me in a bad mood. So what did he do? He changed our sheets, folded the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and told me, “Everything is going to be okay.” Ryan is such a comfort to me. He held his 2-week old cousin on Saturday and nearly started to cry. He can’t wait to meet his daughter.